She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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