I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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