I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
