She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
