Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
