I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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