Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
