Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
