I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
