I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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