I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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