Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize