you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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