Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
