I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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