I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
