I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
