My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
