So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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