My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
