I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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