I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I need moral support for this bender
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
