mondays should just be called national damage control day
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
