There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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