I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize