If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
