Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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