I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
