I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
