ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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