when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
