I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
