I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
