I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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