Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
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