yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
