I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
i just wanna soil my oats bro
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
