I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm too high and old for this...
Randomize
