I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
