Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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