dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
