I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize