so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
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