She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
