i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
