I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
