so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
