just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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