you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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