is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Randomize
