Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
