so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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