Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
