Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
