so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
