i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
