If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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