Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
