They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
