he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
