I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
