you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
