insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
