you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
