You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
