Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
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