I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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